I don’t really think much anymore. I also very rarely have an opinion either. When I sit down at night to pray, the only thing I’ve been asking God for is to keep me, my husband and my family alive. That’s about all I really think about. Survival. That’s my goal. That’s my dream. That’s my ambition: living. For as long as I possibly can.
Having my brother die of the coronavirus drastically changed me. When you see how quickly one can lose their life and how delicate the human balance is, it makes an impression on your very soul that you can not shake off. I very rarely speak anymore. I don’t have anything to say. I find it difficult to sleep throughout the night. I find myself waking up at 3AM, pouring myself a cup of coffee and just sitting in my recliner staring out into the darkness. My mind is blank. It just doesn’t have any more thoughts running through it. I just pray and pray for no more deaths in my immediate family.
By 9am I’m feeling tired. I go back to sleep till noon time. My husband always has a meal waiting for me in the kitchen. I eat. I do my chores. I tend to my garden. I listen to music. I write. I pay bills. I have dinner. I watch a movie. I obsess over YouTube videos. I text my sister every night around 11PM. She’s all I have left of my family. Everyone is gone now. I go to sleep around 1AM only to repeat what has gone on from the day before.
Occasionally I’ll feel a glimpse of my brother and I’ll find myself in tears. The feeling doesn’t last long. I push it aside because I don’t want to wallow. I want to keep on living. I want to survive. Why? I have no idea. I don’t think I’m depressed because I still seem to be functioning. I’ve kept up with my daily chores. I started a new hobby: gardening. I’m content with its results. I cook. I bake. I manage our finances. All our bills are being paid on time. But I see no one. I talk to no one. I haven’t been with my children and grandchildren since Christmas. I’ve mastered Zoom, but its not a human replacement. I’m living. I’m existing. But that is all.
The life that I used to lead is gone. It’s not coming back anytime soon. To realize that I’m losing precious time, precious years suspended in a time warp is disconcerting. Yet, I should consider myself fortunate because my brother didn’t get the opportunities I’m getting right now. He was robbed of the best years of his later life.
Goals. Dreams. Ambitions.
I need to keep a roof over my head, food on the table, bills paid on time and be as healthy as I possibly can be. I need to stay alive so that if my children need me, I’ll still be available. That is my focus now. Not to think. Not to have an opinion. Not to say a word. Maintaining some sort of lifestyle during a pandemic is a challenge. I’ll need to be resourceful and to keep my wits about me. I need to be financially astute. I need to accept what I can not change and change what I can not accept.
I need to survive. And that is precisely what I am doing.
Ciphers From Cindi 
Hi Cindi,
This is the perfect description of grieving. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross describes five stages of grief- denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Her co-author David Kessler believes there is a sixth stage and has written “Finding Meaning”.
Besides grieving your brother, you are grieving for a lost in your cherished lifestyle. I suggest you read their books. They helped me a lot. Sincerely, Lara
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Honestly Cindi, I’m grieving my old life too. The days feel very long to me, and I’m trying to find my way. My feelings about the pandemic have changed drastically as I look at what is actually happening. I feel very much like a pawn in a worldwide political game. Sweden had it right. I honestly believe that. My husband had surgery and was required to have a COVID test. I was allowed to be with him the whole time, but I did not. Strange, right? Our school system is doing a mandatory online school, BUT they will take your money for full-time SACC. (A before and after school program offered by the county that will be running all day). If it’s too ‘dangerous’ to go to school, why is it not dangerous to go to a SACC program? There have been MANY instances like this. My Mom won’t let me come visit her because NY is not allowing people from Virginia to come into the state. What a farce. Pawns. We are all pawns.
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Sharon, I feel your pain. We’ve limited ourselves to staying inside NYS because Cuomo has set up so many road blocks that it just doesn’t pay to leave the state. I did have reservations to camp in Maine, but forget it! Got a refund. Not going anywhere.
Watch how everything magically changed on November 3rd!!!! That may be the key. No matter who wins on election day, there will be discontent felt throughout our whole country.
Hang in there. Hang tough!
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I totally agree.
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You are grieving and rightfully so. Please be kind and patient with yourself, make sure you get outside every day. Hugs to you.
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Thanks Maggie. We’re outside every day. In fact, I can now include the night. My daughter got a new app on her iPhone that when you pint your cell phone up to the sky, it reads all the stars! It’s awesome. AND something new to enjoy.
Thanks for your comment. I’m trying.
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Star gazing app sounds amazing. Which one there are so many?
An update. Just called my brother and SIL was released 2pm yesterday still testing positive, still with some pneumonia, but off oxygen and her oxygen levels are above 90 . Their in Florida and so her bed is probably needed for someone sicker, that’s waiting in emergency for it.
Prescription:only asthma medication, bed rest at home and isolate and quarantine in her home for a week. My brother is sleeping in the extra bedroom and neither are wearing mask. My brother got her Chinese- beef and broccoli that she wanted for dinner. She wanted to take a neighborhood walk outside ( not isolated quarantine as prescribed) and their dog tripped her on the sidewalk and she scraped her knee and hands. I feel now, It’s all in God’s hands. My brother now believes his cold is probably a milder case of Covid19. Didn’t do the third Covid19 test Her doctor prescribe. His reasoning-after two test a few weeks ago came back negative why should he!
What can I say but Stupid is as Stupid does.
You can’t imagine how upset I am on so, so many levels!
I am having great difficulty rectifying we were raised by the same parents. We are at opposite ends of the pole in so many aspects.
I have to distant myself for my own emotional sanity -their possible fate is now a matter of their own careless decisions. Living 1000 miles away there is no chance we will be seeing each other any time soon.
On another note, you and Sharon are doing an awesome job on saving. My fixed expenses are about two hundred dollars Less then last summer. My passive income is way up and this I am reinvesting right now. Sincerely, Lara
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HI Lara. I’m happy to hear your SIL is doing better BUT can’t understand why your brother is acting the way he is? It’s been very tough on people and their reactions have been strange t say the least. As you said, it’s in God’s hands. Hopefully it will all work out.
Hang in there!
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We must all remember this is new territory for everyone, and everyone reacts differently. I like to say we all need some grace. I once read a statement “It’s hard to understand why everyone is stopping living for fear of dying”. I get why your brother is doing what he is doing. He’s LIVING.
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Yes, he is living but I feel they are being irresponsible to their senior community taking a walk without masks , she falls and a neighbor Rushes and helps lift her without protection !will his good deed give him Covid19 and be a spreader too! IMHO, If my brother thinks he has it they both need to isolate in their home and get over it. Sincerely, Lara
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My sister’s neighbor went out to walk his dog, did not wear a mask, met his neighbor’s boy, they started talking. MY sister’s neighbor not only contracted covid but also gave it to his wife. they were both elderly. The husband died. His wife did recover but now she is a widow. All from simply walking his dog and stopping to have a chat.
Crazy!
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Grace is good. Protecting others By following procedures that ensure not spreading Covid19 is just common decency.
My family is still Living also. We have our groceries delivered and wear masks outside our homes. Do curbside restaurants pickups and deliveries to support our favorite Local restaurants. Order online any other needs. I Purchase online or by phone from my local shoe store and Ace Hardware . My adult kids are all working from home. We all have a circle of friends that get together with social distances and masks bringing our own food, utensils. and drink and picnic together. A new version of potluck. I isolated my self for over two months until the Covid19 cough was gone. Afterwards getting healthier was my first priority and I have lost 40 pounds. I am scheduling my time to get in more exercise and a daily creative afternoon Time slot, instead of napping. Life can be very rewarding but with very sensible endeavors. Sincerely, Lara
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“A New Version Of Potluck” I love it! What a happy explanation! We finally ventured out and met a dear couple of ours, at their home, in their backyard, we picked up sandwiches for all, brought our own drinks, napkins etc AND had a wonderful afternoon AND no one got sick! So, it is possible to have somewhat of a “normal” life if we live within the parameters! I actually got dressed up and put on some makeup PLUS wore my new wedding ring! That was a treat.
My daughter and granddaughter spent the weekend with us. They stayed in the RV, we social distanced, wore masks AND knock wood, no one has gotten sick AND we all had a great time. I’ll post pics later.
So, yes, it is possible to continue to live, well and within reason.
It was all good!
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So happy for you getting to wear the ring and have family visiting. Sincerely, Lara
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